


Plead the Fifth

by mugglerock



Series: Through the Rift [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Forgiveness, Guilt, Guilty Castiel, Heaven, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry Any, M/M, Self-Hatred, Songfic, True Love, and what that means, final part, not even joking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10020329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock
Summary: An ending is merely a new beginning, shrouded in a flag of redemption. Can Castiel confront the demons of his past to find his Hallelujah? Or will the darkness inevitably consume what is the afterlife of a fallen angel?(The Final Part)





	1. Charlie

**Author's Note:**

> There’s no excuse for this. Other than listening to Plead to Fifth one too many times. 
> 
> Music written by [Steph](https://soundcloud.com/aquaswept/deans-hallelujah)  
> Lyrics performed by [Kyra](https://soundcloud.com/k-x-o)  
> My favorite use of the song is in this beautiful fanvideo by [AngelDove](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I7tC6NGghc)
> 
> The final part of my Through the Rift Series.
> 
> Love you Any! <3<3

Castiel blinked his eyes open, white and yellow spots forming from the way the sun had been beaming through his closed lids. As his vision began to clear, he found himself in a forested area, some meager tents to the left of him. Rubbing his eyes to gain back focus, Castiel caught a glimpse of fiery red hair.

  


He darted after the figure, ignoring the way his trenchcoat caught on a jagged branch, catching her by the elbow behind an overgrown pine tree. His heart constricted at confirmation that he was, in fact, seeing Charlie.

  


Charlie gasped as her eyes widened, she grasped him by the shoulder before yanking him into a fierce hug. “Cas! What are you doing here?”

  


Castiel drew back from her, head shaking with the bewilderment over his situation. “I–I honestly don’t know.”

  


She clapped his back in fraternal appreciation as realization appeared to dawn on her expressive features. With widened and saddened eyes, she asked, “When?”

  


“Mine? Or…” He couldn’t even bring himself to finish the question. Even in Heaven, the pain of the Winchesters’ deaths still managed to clutch at the tiny organ that used to hold the beat of his heart.

  


Charlie’s expression darkened as she breathed out a soft, “Oh.” No explanation was needed now for Castiel’s presence in her paradise. Aside from perhaps why _her_ paradise. With a softness in her movement, almost as if she were comforting him, Charlie led Castiel inside of a tent. Despite being in an external setting, the interior decor of the drab and brown tent was remarkable.

  


Castiel may have been more mesmerized by the beauty of it all, had he not recalled that he was in Heaven. _Why_ he was in Heaven, why he was in _Charlie’s_ Heaven, was all a mystery.

  


Taking a seat at an intricately carved wooden table and chairs, it felt like oak, she regarded him, eyes kind and smile genuine. “Why here, not that I mind, but why aren’t you with them?”

  


Castiel winced as pain washed over him again. “I’m responsible for their deaths…” As realization struck, his brow furrowed and he tilted his head, casting his gaze over the young woman’s effervescent face. “Just as I am responsible for yours.”

  


When suddenly it clicked. What his purpose was, why he was brought to Heaven, when in reality his essence should have faded into nothingness. It was in order to confront his past. Clearer than the sky that had woken him, he realized he was here to confront the fatal errors in judgement he made, which inevitably caused the loss of life, the loss of love; retribution for an angel who had fallen so far from grace.

  


Charlie reached out, a gentle touch upon the top of his hand and a smile softening her expression. “My death wasn’t your fault, Cas.”

  


He refrained from scoffing outright, Castiel was many things, but rude to someone offering him kindness was not among them. “I was supposed to keep an eye on you, to protect you.”

  


“And I was supposed to keep my happy ass in the safe house. I saw an opportunity and I took it. What happened to me is not on you, you get that, right?”

  


At that, a wave of anger washed over him. “Why does everyone feel the need to protect my feelings? As though I’m a fragile and breakable child? I raised the Righteous Man from perdition, my strength, which, albeit has faltered and broken on occasion, is able to withstand your blame, your anger.”

  


Charlie chuckled. “Why are you making this about you? When it comes to how I died, don’t I get a say in who I blame for it?”

  


Castiel sighed in acquiescence. He had honestly never thought about it like that. “If I’m not here for your forgiveness, then why am I here?”

  


She shrugged. “Maybe for your own?”

 

* * *

 

_Well, I heard your prayers from far below_

_But down in hell, how could you know_

_I listened, every word you said, I heard you_

_But after this_

_I plead the fifth_

_Before my fall, after your lift_

_I swore I heard you say the Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

  


Castiel looked up at the unending blue sky that oversaw Charlie’s paradise. Her eternity, surrounded by friends, draped in a beauty that reflected the soul of the woman who inhabited it. He was in awe.

  


It was inevitable that his thoughts would turn to Dean, as the wind rushed around him, sitting in solitude, watching from afar as the enigmatic redhead turned Heaven into her own LARPing playing field.

  


In twelve short years, a blip on the radar of an eternal lifetime, Castiel had been irreversibly changed. He recalled what started it all. The cries of the Righteous Man, begging for help, for release from the deepest pits of Hell. Castiel did not fall with all of the other angels. His fall came when he clutched Dean Winchester against his chest and raised him from perdition.

  


Castiel had fallen in every way imaginable in that moment. The exhaled breath of relief from a man he pieced back together was his downfall; in his mission, in his beliefs, in his eternity. As he uttered the words that would start his final journey, words that echoed in Heaven, he knew he would never be the same again. He just hadn’t realized what that would inevitably mean for him.

  


_Dean Winchester is saved._

  


And Castiel was lost.

  


Charlie cast him a bright smile and wave as she ducked into a tent with an attractive young woman. He couldn’t help but return it. Perhaps she was right. Maybe it wasn’t her forgiveness he sought.

  
  
When a small crackling sound rang out behind him, Castiel turned and was met with a rip in the veil of paradise; a portal. He didn’t know where it would lead, but he knew his place was not in Heaven. With a deep sigh, he stood and approached the portal, stride determined and strong.


	2. Jimmy

After his eyes adjusted to the illumination of fluorescent lighting, his surroundings came into focus. The simplistic and relatively modern living room of a home that was eerily familiar to him.

 

Not him.

 

His vessel.

 

As though looking into a mirror, Jimmy Novak stepped into the room, eyes widened at being confronted with his own doppelganger. Castiel froze, unsure how to approach the situation. Unsure how to greet the man whose life he was responsible for ending, for ruining, for decimating.

 

Jimmy took a few tentative steps forward. “Castiel?” The tone of his voice just as tentative as his movement.

 

“Hello, Jimmy.”

 

Met with a perplexed, yet surprisingly not unkind gaze, the man moved to sit down in a chair across from Castiel’s place on the periwinkle blue couch. “What are you doing here?”

 

Every time he thought he was beginning to understand what was happening to him, what the purpose of this was, he found himself being dragged deeper into the depths of his own confusion, his own guilt. Perhaps this was his punishment. Perhaps this was his recompense for all of the death and destruction his time on Earth had caused.

 

Castiel shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”

 

Jimmy chuckled, causing Castiel to look up in bemusement. He waved it off. “Sorry, it’s weird that I’m looking at myself.”

 

Castiel nodded. “I must agree, it’s rather off-putting.”

 

As an awkward silence lingered between them, Jimmy broke it with clearing his throat. “How's Claire?”

 

And just like that, a pained guilt replaced the tenseness from the silence. Castiel answered as honestly as he could, “She's happy, considering everything she's been through, it's quite miraculous.”

 

Jimmy nodded, appearing content to revert back to their previous state of silence.

 

“I never thanked you.”

 

That was clearly as unexpected to be said by Jimmy as it was to Castiel.

 

He continued, “Through you my faith was justified, and while my life was ended through it, I was able to be a part of the ending of Lucifer’s reign, however inadvertently, and I couldn't think of a better thing to have died for.”

 

Castiel was stunned, if anyone was permitted blame and anger towards him for the end of his life, it was James Novak. Yet here he was, infiltrating the man's paradise, being thanked of all illogical things. “I destroyed your life. I destroyed your family. How can you possibly thank me?”

 

Jimmy smiled. “No, Castiel. _I_ did. You asked me to be your vessel. You didn't coax me, you didn't trick me. You asked. And you did right by me by keeping my daughter alive, by helping her.”

 

Castiel stood then, his anger boiling the blood of his body. “I urged you at the behest of a dire need in Heaven’s mission. You didn't really have a choice!”

 

That was met with a quirked brow. “I did. And I chose to help with your mission. I chose Heaven over my family. If I can come to terms with my part in my choices, you need to acknowledge that it had nothing to do with you. You never strong-armed–”

 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” It wasn’t often that Castiel swore, or used a swear word in the correct context, but in that moment, he felt it was justified. “I gave you an unwinnable choice, when Claire agreed to be my vessel... How could any man agree to allow his daughter to take his place?”

 

Jimmy regarded him for a moment, features damnably calm and unexpressive. After a beat, the man folded his hands over his knee and sighed. “You were never going to keep my daughter as a vessel and you _know_ it.”

 

And that was true. Castiel would have never kept Claire as a vessel. Not for any reason other than the fact that it was not prudent to attempt to enact the mission of Heaven through the body of a prepubescent child. But still, it was true. He would have eventually found a more suitable vessel.

 

“I didn’t want to die. My offering of myself to you again was selfish. It came out of self-preservation. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to prevent Claire from having to stay attached to a goddamn comet, but ultimately, I was terrified of dying. I learned through you what _real_ sacrifice was. You made me a better man, so when judgement day came for me, I was ready.”

 

Castiel shook his head in dismay. “I have lived with the guilt of what I did to you, what I did to your family, every day for the past twelve years. And you just expect me to suddenly forget what I’ve done?”

 

Jimmy tilted his head, a bizarre mirrored expression. He was only slightly jarred by being on the receiving end of that look. With a serene expression, he merely responded with a simple, “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

_I know you’re strong, but I can’t explain_

_I’ve seen you die over again_

_Only you would still want to pray to me_

_She tied me up where angels fall_

_She made me deaf to all your calls_

_And from my lips she drew our Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

Years. It had been years upon years in which a quintessential part of Castiel’s story was the elective decisions he’d made that destroyed the life of the man whose vessel was now as much a part of him as the personality quirks he’d developed from his time on Earth. How could he come to terms with the fact that, while Jimmy held him no ill-will, he was supposed to accept gracefully that his guilt, a guilt that consumed him, was just to be forgotten?

 

It wasn’t possible. It would never be possible. Nothing he did was forgettable. To this very moment he regretted his actions under Naomi’s control. Years. Years upon years after Naomi’s bid to harness a good, little angel. A time when he was a mere puppet. A puppet that was trained to kill Dean Winchester, over and over and over, until he didn’t hesitate.

 

Each attempt more and more painful. Every single one of Naomi’s copies of Dean Winchester were perfection, down to the tiniest detail: the placement of his freckles. And yet, the ones that told Castiel he loved him, were the ones he could never kill. Naomi stopped having the copies say that. And even after her successful progress in turning Castiel into one of Heaven’s most deadliest weapons, when faced with the real Dean Winchester, pleading in that crypt, Castiel learned then that his love for Dean Winchester would forever hold a power over him that nothing else could breech.

 

That was why, when he finally was responsible for the death of the human that consumed every aspect of his grace and existence; he inevitably crumbled. He just wished he could have died a little more heroically, as a way to pay tribute to the memory of Dean Winchester.

 

Charlie and Jimmy may have found no blame to lay at his feet, but sadly, they weren’t the only people’s deaths for whom he was responsible.

 

When Jimmy stepped out to the kitchen, the bay window behind the couch swirled into another portal, so Castiel took that as his cue to move on.


	3. Bobby

When the familiar sight of the interior of a rickety old cabin came into view, Castiel knew instantly where he was. Just as he turned around, he was met with a stern, “Damnit, son! Next time warn a guy! You made me drop my beer!”

 

Castiel was at a loss for words. He’d never imagined he’d see Bobby again. Torn between standing there frozen, and yanking the older hunter into a fierce hug, Castiel shook his head in disbelief. Finally, snapping out of his daze, he bent down to help pick up the pieces of broken glass. “I’m sorry about that, Bobby.”

 

“What brings you to my neck of the woods?” Bobby asked, flashing him a quick smile as they successfully picked up every shard.

 

Castiel shrugged. “Since my death I’ve been traveling to different Heavens of old friends. I’m not really sure what the purpose of it all is.”

 

Bobby grabbed a couple of beers, handing one to Castiel as they made their way to his sofa. Plopping down in his recliner, he tipped his beer in a salute. “Well, it’s damn good to see you.”

 

Tilting his head in bemusement, Castiel arched his brow. “It is?”

 

“Yeah, Cas. Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

Leaning forward, elbows against his knees, he placed the beer on the hand carved coffee table. “The one thing all of the Heavens I’ve visited have in common is the fact their inhabitant is someone whose death I caused.”

 

Bobby shook his head. “Think you’ve had too many head injuries there. Dick Roman killed me, remember?”

 

Castiel sighed. “And who was responsible for unleashing the Leviathan unto Earth?”

 

“Boy, you must think pretty damn highly of yourself if you feel personally responsible for every death you had nothin’ to do with.” Draining half of his beer, Bobby leaned back in his recliner and regarded Castiel with a bored expression, eyebrow arched in challenge.

 

A line of failures that trailed behind the tracks of his broken and deformed wings, and not a single one of them, a solitary friend whose death he caused, found any blame. Their lack of validation didn’t make him feel any less guilty, it merely made him feel a profound sense of shame for making their deaths about himself.

 

Castiel took another swig of his beer. “How have you been, Bobby?”

 

* * *

 

_Righteous man, that’s what they said_

_But still you’d lie awake in bed_

_And listen to the shadows, knife clutched tightly_

_But when sleep came it could not kill_

_The fears on which your skin would chill_

_Those nights I wish I’d sang a Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

Among all of his regrets, Castiel found it difficult to bear the way he abandoned Dean emotionally, more than he ever did physically. The nights when there was a calm, they weren’t at a perilous period in which every second counted in a need to save the world. Nights when Dean would cry out his name and he’d find himself at a bedside, watching helplessly as the man would struggle against his bedsheets. Sweat slicked forehead shimmering in the darkness, a shaking body thrashing against a memory foam mattress as nightmares tore away at him.

 

Instead of reassuring the man, grasping his hand in sleeping to will away the demons of his dreams, whispering platitudes and promises of safety, and love; instead Castiel would watch from afar, terrified to cross that boundary for fear of losing him entirely. Again, his selfishness bore the despair of a creature he was irretrievably in love with and there was no forgiving that.

 

As another portal crackled to life on the floor beneath his feet, just in front of the fireplace, Bobby let out a surprise sound. He turned to look at Castiel. “For you?”

 

He nodded and bid Bobby goodbye, a parting glance over his shoulder, a small smile. Castiel drew in a deep breath and let himself fall into the unending drop.


	4. Chuck

Landing unceremoniously in a patch of grass, Castiel shook himself off as he took note of his surroundings. It was a beautiful open meadow, surrounded by an unending series of wild flowers. When he saw the autistic man and his red kite, Castiel felt calm for the first time since his arrival to Heaven.

 

If his eternity was to be spent here, he could think of worse ways to pass the time.

 

A softer voice cleared its throat and Castiel spun around to be found face to face with his father, still occupying the vessel of Chuck Shurley.

 

“Hello, Castiel.”

 

“Father?” he asked, voice somewhat tentative, unsure.

 

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I brought you here.”

 

That took him by surprise. As far as he knew, his father had all but abandoned anything to do with Heaven or creation. “Am I being punished?”

 

Chuck laughed as he took a step forward. “Of course not.”

 

“Then why have me face the people of a past that haunts me?”

 

“Haunts you? No, Castiel. You needed to learn to forgive yourself before you reached your final resting place.” With a slight nod, Chuck made his way over to a quaint iron bench. As he sat, he pat the empty space beside him in invitation.

 

Castiel followed, taking the proffered seat. “I’m afraid you have been unsuccessful.”

 

Chuck smiled and nodded. “That’s why I came to speak with you. I’ve come to tell you, you deserve happiness. Just as much as anyone else, Castiel.”

 

He scoffed. “I’m not even supposed to know what happiness feels like.”

 

“But you do. You understand what it feels like to be happy, to be sad, to be angry, to be in love… and every other emotion that permeates humankind.” Chuck leaned forward, placing a hand over his own as he continued, “That’s what made you so special. Why I resurrected you. You see your succumbing to human emotion as your ultimate downfall. But you’re wrong. Your love for Dean Winchester was not your downfall, Castiel. It’s what saved you.”

 

As if to prove the words of his father, Castiel fell forward, a soft sob escaping his chest. “How can you say that?”

 

“I am the Lord,” Chuck quipped, offering him a soft smile.

 

Castiel’s laugh was wet, but as he sat up, a weight that had been crushing his chest for several years had lightened. “Why, Father? Why are you even providing me this opportunity?”

 

Chuck appeared contemplative for a moment, before crossing his left leg over his right and leaned back against the bench. “A good story has resolution for its protagonists.”

 

* * *

 

_There was a time when I couldn’t say_

_What truly had led me astray_

_But now I understand what pushed me from grace_

_It was your breath, your eyes, your face_

_Your courage drove to the sticking place_

_And there I fell all for your Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

Chuck led Castiel to the edge of the meadow, where an enormous sequoia tree engulfed them both in shadow. He reached out and created a portal with a wave of his hand, taking a step back. “This will lead you to where you belong, Castiel.”

 

Castiel regarded his father for a moment. Unsure of how to impart gratitude. How do you thank someone who gave you the courage you had been lacking for so long? The courage to take the chance, to take the leap. How do you thank someone who gave you an intangible gift that could never be repaid? That of forgiveness.

 

There were no words. Instead, Castiel nodded to his father and this time, charged through the portal.


	5. Dean

_Maybe there’s a God above_

_Through you he tried to teach me love_

_A long and winding road that lead me to you_

_Don’t think that I’ve abandoned hope_

_Still I’ll hang onto this rope_

_I won’t let go till I find our Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

The portal led through a closet door of a beautiful modern home. There were dozens of people, engaged in conversation throughout the home. As he stepped forward, no one appeared to notice him due to the din of music and chatter, he was freely able to watch.

 

The celebration was impressive. An aura of good humor and contentment. Castiel made his way through the crowd, carefully stepping around the party-goers. Some of their faces seemed familiar, but overall it was a blur of the unknown. Stepping into the corner of the kitchen, where even more cheerful persons were congregated, Castiel’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of Dean. Arranging various raw meats on a large tray, laughing at a comment someone to his left had whispered.

 

The joyful, carefree visage before him was breathtaking. Castiel had never seen Dean so content. Which made him all the more beautiful. His love for Dean Winchester would never falter, no matter where they were in the universe. Castiel was in love with the Righteous Man and had been since he first laid a hand on his broken soul.

 

Dean chuckled again and shook his head as he picked up the tray and ducked into another room. Very carefully, Castiel followed his movement. Into a relatively empty dining room and through a patio door. It was apparent this was his opportunity, to grasp onto the happiness he’d been denying himself of for far too long.

 

Carefully, Castiel opened it, the snick of the door connecting to its jam barely above a whisper. Castiel turned to look up and froze, now grateful for the quiet entrance not drawing attention to his position.

 

Dean was pressed up against someone, in a closeness that spoke of a carnal intimacy. With a chuckle, Dean slid his hands to the person’s side, pressing kiss after kiss at the exposed neck. The person whom was receiving the onslaught of affection playfully pushed back into Dean, attempting to buck the man off.

 

“Dean!” the person chastised, a man. A man with a bizarrely familiar voice. When the man finally turned, Castiel could clearly see who had been on the receiving end of _his_ domestic bliss. A man with his own face, another doppelganger.

 

Castiel refrained from snorting at himself in derision for his own presumptuousness, his own stupidity. Because, _of course._ They were in paradise, _Dean’s_ paradise. For a special few, instead of fond memories, a human’s Heaven can be built upon the deepest desire of that person’s heart. A life they had always wanted to have on Earth.

 

The fact that Dean’s perfect heaven was a domestic scene with himself cast as the love interest hurt more than he ever thought possible.

 

“Come on, Cas. No one’s watching, turn off the grill and let’s sneak into the pool shed.”

 

A familiar chuckle, his own, bubbled out of this stranger’s throat and Castiel felt his lip tremble.

 

Dean was finally happy. Finally at peace. He found his happy ending, his perfect Heaven. Why would he... Why would Castiel even _think_ about trying to mess that up? Dean deserved better, so much better than a broken angel coming in to mess up the perfection that was his Heaven. To create an emotional upheaval for his own selfish purposes.

 

Castiel was done being selfish and that was the peace he had to make with himself. To truly be able to forgive himself for causing the death of the man he loved, Castiel had to stop being selfish.

 

As quietly as he could, he stepped back inside, closing the door gently as the image of Dean kissing the Heaven created version of himself, shrank and disappeared behind the door frame.

 

Unsurprisingly, a new portal ripped open next to the dining table. Castiel took a deep breath, taking the opportunity, with no one standing nearby, to approach it.

 

He cast one final glance through the window of the patio door, a solitary tear streaking down his cheek in a wave of heat. Castiel smiled sadly at the man he loved and whispered, “I will never forget you, Dean Winchester.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me on this journey to experiment with my writing style. Please feel free to send me hate mail for this. <3<3


End file.
